Couple Jokes

Love Your Enemy

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, 'One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.' 'Samy! But he is your enemy!' 'Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now.'

Why divorce?

In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: 'Your honor, I want to divorce my husband.' 'But why ?' asked the judge. She replied, 'Because he is not faithful to me.' The judge asked, 'How do you know?'
She replied, 'My lord, not a single child resembles him.'

Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man.'

Why?

'Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. 'Why, Dad? Tell me why!'
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, 'Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax.'

Same Service

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, 'When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.'
'Why complain?' said the counselor. 'You're still getting the same service!'

Talk about Husband

One woman told another: ' My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?'

Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, 'Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?' 'I would love to. 'Replied the husband. 'But I don't know her well enough.'

No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, 'When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her.'
One of his friends asked. 'And when you are angry, what do you do?'
The man replied, 'I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. 'Take my advice,' said the neighbour, 'and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I
called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him. 'Cured him!' asked the woman, 'but how?'
The neighbour said, 'You see, his name is Bill.'

Problem Father

'You looked troubled,' I told my friend, 'what's your problem?'
He replied, 'I'm going to be a father.'
'But that's wonderful,' I said.
'What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.

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MARRIAGE ~ The Ten Commandments

COMMANDMENT 1
Marriages are made in heaven; But so are thunder and lightning.

COMMANDMENT 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

COMMANDMENT 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

COMMANDMENT 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

COMMANDMENT 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

COMMANDMENT 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

COMMANDMENT 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

COMMANDMENT 8
Every man wants a wife, who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

COMMANDMENT 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

COMMANDMENT 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled and said,
"Hey!...This thing really works!"